“One road to loneliness, it’s always the same, one road to happiness, it’s calling your name”
Anderson, White, and Rabin (YES)
The sound was deafening. It was one of those sounds that you feel more than you hear. I shook my head and tried to open my eyes. What is that noise, and where in the hell am I? Am I dreaming?
As my eyes opened, I realized that I was not dreaming, but in a serious reality. I could barely see through the mucus covering my eyelids. I was laying in the street, with my head on the curb and my shoulder in the gutter.
The noise was getting louder and louder! It was pitch dark, for all but the intense lights beaming right in my eyes. I was so disoriented I could barely move, but something instinctively told me that I needed to, and fast!
So with all of my strength, I pushed myself up from the gutter, stumbling and wobbly, realizing that the noise and the lights were from a city street sweeper coming right at me! I thrust myself forward, and rolled onto the sidewalk right before the machine rumbled by.
Right then, it dawned on me, this was no dream. This was a nightmare, one that had haunted my existence for the better part of fifteen years. Dread and shame overcame me like a heavy veil. How can someone drink so much that they blackout and end up sleeping in the street with their head on a curb, with no idea how they even got there? I damn near got crushed to death by my own drunken behavior.
Is this what life is all about?
This question began my awakening.
My answer to that question was, no, my life is much more than my pain, but my subconscious patterns had lead me to experience more suffering than anyone should ever endure. I had no idea of the source of it, but it was very present. Every single day, at a mere twenty nine years old, I was living a real life ‘groundhog day’. Every day at the bar, drinking until I was drunk enough to stumble home, sober up and head back to my local watering hole. The same people, the same drinks, the same stories. It was a very unfulfilling existence to be sure, but by the grace of God I found my way out, from loneliness to happiness.
When one suffers in their life, they have two choices, continue to suffer, and accept life on these terms, or, to challenge this suffering and change it. It really is that simple, but it isn’t always easy, at least for me it wasn’t.
My drunkenness was just a way to numb pain, and it was something that became part of me. I just accepted that I was a drunk. Well, I knew enough to know that if I wanted out of my pain, the first step on this journey out of suffering was to make the choice to stop drinking, and again by the grace of God, I have been sober since April 4th, 2001.
This choice was actually easy for me, as I hated my drunken life so much, that I just decided one day to stop. I know that many people need assistance with stopping any vice, especially suicidal ones, but my pain was so severe and present, that I had to stop, or die. I knew this at a very deep level of my being. So, I chose life.
If I am not a drunk anymore, who am I?
This question perpetuated a search, and not an outside search, a deep, sometimes confusing, soulful search.
I am love, and a child of God.
This, I did not know then, and it took me many years to experience this reality, and bring this experience into my own life, but that was the answer, as subtle as it may have been at that time. My journey to find my happiness lead me to read many books on metaphysics and spirituality, these books helped me to change my subconscious patterns of pain, and gave me insight into my own unique divinity.
The books I was reading confused me at first, primarily because they were speaking in a language that I had never heard. I knew nothing of self-awareness or spirituality, but here, in these books, that I was reading fervently, was a common theme; to take responsibility for your own life. Responsibility was now a buzz word that I used to heal myself. I had never in my life, up until this point, taken responsibility for anything; my actions, my feelings, my thoughts, my expressions, all on auto-pilot. When one lives like this, we learn to blame.
The blame game
We blame others, our parents, society, our teachers, the government, and any other outside entity other than ourselves. We just blame!
The issue with blaming others for all of life’s circumstance’s, is that there is no growth in blame. How can one grow if it is always someone or something else’s fault?
We must take responsibility for our own lives, look in the mirror and find a way to change whatever it is that needs changing.
I had spent my entire life blaming others.
- My Dad, for not being present in my life.
- My Mom, for divorcing my Dad, and not understanding how much I needed him.
- Society, for not understanding me or my ‘free spirited’ way of life.
- The world, for creating an angry, fearful place to exist.
- God, for turning his back on me and allowing me to wallow in my anguish.
Not one of these blames has any merit or value, in any way, shape, or form. The power is not in blame, it is always in taking responsibility for our own lives, and adjusting accordingly. If one desires to be happy in life, blame is not the road to travel.
My own Divinity
I had no idea what my own divinity was, for most of my life. I had never felt as though I was worthy of love, and certainly proved that point many times. I now know that I am love. I was born love, and to love I have returned. It hasn’t been a straight shot to be sure. I have endured a divorce, time away from my own children, morbid obesity, and deep contemplations of suicide. All of these things came as result of only one thing, not recognizing, and honoring my own divinity.
Today, as I look in the mirror, I know exactly who I am, and who I have always been. The only thing that stands between any person and their own divinity is what they think. I know this is true, because of my own divine experiences, but you may not, and so I encourage all of you to find that space inside that can catapult your fears to love, your hopelessness to gratitude, and your pain to pleasure, and it invariably begins with what we think, our own perspective, and the questions we ask ourselves.
The most remarkable thing about my painful experiences is, because of my own suffering and past patterns, I now have the glorious blessing of helping others find their own divinity, and that my friends, is a great ending to any story J
Joaquin Sonoqui is a love coach, teaching the 3 principles of spirituality. He is also author of the spiritual fiction book CARU-A MAN (in love) written under J. A. Sonoqui it is available exclusively on Kindle e-books, and he is a daily spiritual blogger @ joaquinsonoqui.wordpress.com